Single for a year.

I took a break. A break from me failing at what is the most precious — love.

This is not a post about 10 things I learned while I was being single nor an heroic ethos about how it transformed my shallow existence into something worth loving.

Nope.

I am worth loving. I know that. And I want to feel close and intimate with a human being. I want to feel and share connection. It was always like that. It was so strong that I got myself into yet another dead end relationship more than few times in a row.

It got better in the end. The relationships were more and more mature as well as me in the relationships.

I was close yet I needed to step back, to give myself the opportunity to explore my emotions and thoughts.

I definitely did not need to get myself some time, see what life brings, be alone to learn how to be alone, nor start from scratch and all that good intended stuff I hear from everywhere.

I already know how to be with me in piece for a quite some time. It is not what I need. All of my guts screem no to all of these if-I-were-you advices.

I can bare solitude. Yet the tough thing about it is the occasional loneliness. That feeling that there’s no one to call because you feel silly to say “hey, I need a hug” and say “I want someone to love” even though there are friends being online 3 minutes ago.

Who ever wanted to look desperate, right?

How are you, suddenly feels like the hardest question anybody could ever ask.

If I say great, that would be a lie. But than I’d get all the good luck wishes. Yay.

If I say I’m bad, I’d get question “but why, what is wrong?”

Nothing.

I just have no simple, or should I say, a short answer these times.

I hear the storm of the motivational talk coming.

I sleep with two pillows and leave half of my bed free. Just in case, you know.

I needed pause from jumping from one relationships to another. I got what I wanted but I wish I wouldn’t have to.

I wish I was better in relationships from the start. But I wasn’t. I sucked.

I always wanted a relationship that would mean tying my life with the life of the significant one, a human being with hopes, thoughts and emotions, family, struggles and insecurities to cherish. But I was too selfish to be able to have one like that.

I will probably never feel ready. I simply decided to grow up to being the one. And it takes time to become at least someone I’d wish for myself.

This is to another year of perseverance.

I know it’s worth it.